Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Recession of the heart

Feeling Blue, having a gray day, "in a funk", "down in the dumps"...whatever you call it, it seems like everyone is feeling it to one degree or another, lately. For me, it started with a dissatisfaction that my art business was so slow, then to a bothered feeling about looming debts, to a kind of dizzy "what's-going-on?" kind of feeling...So, my heart has been so heavy these days, with everything and nothing all at once.

Today, I realized, as I was having a conversation about it with my mom, that I haven't had "just home" to do since...well, never. N-E-V-E-R.

When I became pregnant with my first child (now almost 7!!), I was a middle-school teacher...a job that I LOVED doing. I adored it. It was challenging, and creative and kept me do-do-doing...which I think I thrive on. So, of course, when my wee baby was only a few months old, I dragged him along with me to my almost full-time job of tutoring for homeschool families...still do-do-doing, but with baby in tow. When I had my daughter, I realized I couldn't just tow two littles around with me, so I gave myself fully over to the MUSE, and started doing Sparrow's Cottage full-time. That is almost 4 years ago now.

Now, I feel left in a quiet kind of lurch. I've been engaged in serious talks with myself that go like this, "blah, blah, blah blah and what if blah and what about blah... blah blah...blah blaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Not too productive, and mostly depressing...time to quit talking to myself with meaningless, endless tracks that go nowhere. There is NO use talking about what-ifs.

It is time for an EMOTIONAL STIMULUS PACKAGE...what will that look like. First, a good solid kick in my @$$ and then I have to hug myself and say, "For goodness sake, doesn't everything offer a learning opportunity? What can you learn about yourself? Okay, SO you do better when you are busy, so get busy! What can you do every day to stay busy? Alrighty, you know what you have to remember, dearest (because it doesn't do to call myself bad names anyway), you should know that this won't last forever. You have a plan for the summer, so just come up with this March, April and May plan so you can make your heart happy. You need to laugh every single day, you need to have time to yourself every single day, You've got to get out of the house every single day for even an hour, you need to play with your kids every single day, you need to exercise, every single day, you need to do something for others every single day, you need to do something for the Earth every single day, you need to go out and revel in Nature every single day - now go forth and make a plan to get busy and get out of this hole!"

It is going to take some doing, but just like I do everything else I go forth, fully, and do it with all of me. I will get my heart out of this recession, and look to the brightness in each moment; getting BUSY with seeing the beauty in the quiet that I've been given.

1 comment:

Little Works of Grace said...

Lovely Katie,

I hear your lovely heart and totally agree with your Mom. Maybe this is "a time of refreshment", a time for nurturing the Home in your Heart and in your soul. Maybe 'not busy' is right where you need to be! I've always found that the best plan is the one the Lord has set in my heart. That's how I met you!!

Love to you,