Tonight I'm thinking about my son. He is an awful lot like me. He likes to get his own way, and it touches him deeply when he is denied an opportunity. He wants to KNOW, not just be told something. He wants to be taken seriously. He needs his voice to be heard, and I think of how often I am tired, or busy, or just don't want to be bothered. Oh Goddess, I am so glad that I am a reflective human being. I am SO thankful that I look back so quickly on things I've said or done that did not serve. I do not ever like to live with regrets. Some things I thought I would do before it was too late, and when I did not do them, I wasn't as unhappy as I thought I'd be, but THIS I know: if I am not as good to my children and for my children that I know it is possible for me to be, I will regret it.
Sometimes I do not see him. Sometimes he is me, and I do not see us. I know that I can take the shushing and the "not now" and so I do it to him, thinking we are the same. I regret it, because though we are so much alike, he is him, and I am me.
My son. I don't know if I can describe how much...if I can let you know what it is to love another human being like I do him. It is such familiarity that I tend to put him in my back pocket, and that is like pocketing a star. Poor little trusting star, that gets bags under its eyes over the tiredness of trying to shine so bright in there.
He is a mirror to me. The more tender I am to myself, the more tender I am to him. I am consciously taking the time to look him over, to look into him and see the beautiful gift he is here to give. He wants me to know that he is capable, that he is smart, that he is strong. The way he lights up when I listen, the way he clings to me when we cuddle...it is a gift. What a beautiful, open, trusting little man I've been gifted.
Friday morning, I woke up very early with him (he prides himself on being an early riser...he is so much like the Sun in all he does), and we went for a long walk at Belknap Springs (which I will tell more about later). He just followed me and held my hand, and was so giddy at time alone with me, and I was intent and curious to find all the hidden nooks and crannies in the meandering trails that lead from garden to garden, that I was barely noticing his presence, just pulling him along: "This way, Ethan. Hurry up!" Until the last picture I took, when he said, "Mommy, take a picture of me by the fountain!" So, though I had only one picture left on the card, I grudgingly said, "Alright honey, go ahead." He ran to the center and I snapped his picture, almost absentmindedly. He was so happy about it and had to see it twice before we left. I am ashamed of myself now, and first thing in the morning I want to look him full in the face and say, "Hey! I see you. Tell me how you are. Let's do what you want to do."
Only now, when I was loading up the pictures onto the computer, did I look at his picture and really got a close up view, and I saw how tired he was (it was very early) and how happy he looked to be getting me to take his picture. I felt sad that I was so intent on my own agenda that morning that I didn't make it more about US, more about the time we were spending together.
I don't like to have regrets, and like I said, I am very thankful that I was born to be so reflective. I see it, and I say, "No more of that. I've got to change that attitude." and so I shall.
I've been putting him in my pocket, and I need to be taking him out to look him full in the face. I love to see him shine.
The night before we went out on our walk, I was listening to my ipod trying to get to sleep by listening to a new John Denver cd I put on it, "Poems, Prayers and Promises" and I heard the song, "Let it Be" - how BEAUTIFUL! I know I've heard that song about 100 times in my life, but this was really floating over me like a fine warm mist. I just was smiling and taking it all in.
Today, I am taking it into my heart...though I've made mistakes before, I am always striving to do my best, "Let it Be...there will be an answer, let it be...whisper words of wisdom, let it be...and when the night is clouded there is still a light that shines on me, shines until tomorrow, let it be...and I wake up to the sounds of music, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be!"
Ah!!! What a healing balm...Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be.