Here I am. This is what I look like when I've let go. This is me thinking about how easy it was to finally just let it go. This is me thinking about life without holding onto the past. This is me.
I'm a holder. I don't just hold...apparently I hold it IN and let it stew around and build up...but I don't even want to talk about that anymore. I just want to breath in this new freedom.
I feel like this thistle: all prickle and sadness trying to cover it over and then in the fall, it burst open with fluff and those fuzzy little wishes that float off on the breeze. I found out that letting go of the old hurt was as soft and gradual as simply stepping over a line. First I was there, and now I am here. Simple as that. It was like sitting at the bottom of a mountain, crying that I would never get to the top...trying to find an easier way up the top...trying and trying to get there without actually climbing. I found that once I started the climb, I was, amazingly, already at the top. As simple, and as complex as all that.
When I woke up the next morning, I realized something was missing.
Anger had been my constant, unwelcome companion. But that morning, I found, it was gone.
I wondered at how gently and simply I had let it go. One moment I was thinking, "What will I be without this?" The next moment I decided, "I don't know what I'll be, but I have to feel differently." And that teensy tiny decision to want something different is what made a veil lift, a candle to be snuffed out, a step over a line, a poking of a seed into the dirt, a sigh...something simple had gotten rid of something so destructive.
Because it had gone so quietly, I had to make sure it was gone.
On 33 (one for every year of my life) teensy slips of paper I wrote things like, "I let go." and "I am filled with peace." and everything else I could think of that was gone...
Then I took them to Cold Springs, and I sent them on their way from the source of the spring. I was amazed at how they all just floated away, not hanging up on anything as they went. Then this last one, seemed to uncurl and did catch on a rock, so as I meant to prod it along, I saw what it said, "I let go anger."