Sunday, November 29, 2009

Happiness of Place

This is one of those magical miracles, honestly. I intended for a job and everyday I said a prayer, straight from my bones, very specific about what I wanted and then I added "or better" every single time...I got the "or better."

I have found myself with a job that starts after the kids are in school and ends just when they need picked up. It is important soul-work that I am proud of. It changes daily within small will fill me up during the gives me purpose and is something I am passionate about. I start tomorrow...what a wonder is the power of bone-deep prayer.

Sending out not only words, but energy and power and wish and magic. Bubbling it all together in a cauldron of change...of hope and ultimately of what is TRUE...what is TRUEST about me at the moment...what I need has become what I want, and I am SO thankful for this :)

I think that when I quit Sparrow's Cottage (how funny, there isn't even a link anymore to show you what I mean), some thought I quit because I couldn't "hack it." Yes, for sure, there were problems with being an artist...the ego is one of the reasons, I'm sure...the naughty design stealers are another...but those were teensy tiny little items in the column marked "reasons to quit" The biggest reason was because I don't just enjoy teaching. I'm not just good at it. I am passionate about it. I ride the fence happily on most other issues, but when it comes to teaching and what I believe, I sit firmly on one side or another on each issue. I love the work. I love the people. I love the kids, whose minds are entrusted to me for most of the day. I love the hours. I love the plan books. I love the chalkboards/whiteboards/SmartBoards/bulletin boards. I love it, truly. It makes my lip curl up in a smile. It makes me lift my head a little higher. It makes me walk with purpose. It makes my brain move and churl with ideas...nothing else makes me feel the same in life. I have a responsibility to use the abilities I was given.
What makes you feel the same way? Have you found it yet? Have you sounded the depths of who you are and found your place? Do you see where your feet are standing? When you find where you belong you can let out a loud long bellow with your arms outstretched, because it is truly wonderful...and you deserve a loud long bellow, don't you think?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

a small post of thanks

very simply...
i am thankful for love that shows itself in the inbetween times...the little touch of fingertips in passing, the small smiles, the quick squeeze...i am thankful for those who would walk by me as I lay sleeping on the couch and cover my feet, or tread lighter...i am thankful for those who sit down with me to talk, who look in my eyes and try to SEE what i am saying...
i am thankful for quiet voices and twinkles in eyes
i am thankful for laughing until i want to pee my pants
i am thankful for the hard hug as my brother gathers his family up to leave
i am thankful for tiny hands and a capable mommy
very simple thanks

Monday, November 23, 2009

A sweet few days

clear, windy skies
cozy cuddles and warm places to lay

and clean gentle surroundings
nothing soothes my busy mind more

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I am Motivated to Tell

Oh yes, I talk and I talk and I talk a plenty...a funny thing is that during my day at school I get all talked out...funny thing...though my heart has been full, the words haven't come as easily as I've wanted. I've wanted to put down what it is I've been thinking lately... so here it goes:

I am AMAZED by the amount of courage and where-with-all I have when a job is at hand. This woman who has doubted and fussed and wandered and wondered at her self - called herself all sorts of bad names, and then one day, literally, wakes up without the anger and says, "What will I do without that?"

What HAVE I done without that nasty imp hanging around my ears, tugging at the small curling hair behind my ear, without it scratching its name in my skin?

I'll tell you, reader, I have been walking tall. I have been trusting the words that have come out of my mouth. I have been making serious, responsible decisions. I have been soothing the beast in troubled children, lifting up trodden women, carrying myself across divides...I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS.

I have been hugged by the child who does not like to be touched. I have been shyly smiled at by a child who slings curses in her every other word. I have covered them in love without even touching them.

My corner of the world is not small...I have been doing this.

I have been offering myself and finding it is not only enough, but it is amazing and healthy and needed and sought after. I have found that I can be a safe harbor in some human being's otherwise stormy life.

What a wonder...what a wonder that I have been doing this.

I hope that I shall never cease to be amazed at what beautiful, courageous, wonderful things we human being are capable of.

I hope that I shall never cease to see the potential in another torn human heart.

I hope that I shall never believe that there is a kindess too small to give.

I hope that I shall never cease to smile and feel a lump in my throat when my efforts are praised, needed, rewarded. I thank the Divine of My Heart with a quiet mouth, with closed eyes and with my head held up high.

My heart is full with purpose and life...

and I am happy.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

helpful advice

Does anyone know why I cannot seem to see my Friends list? Just one day it decided to go blank, and now I cannot seem to figure out the problem - any ideas? Thank you so much :)

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Being That Bridge

Where have I been, what have I been doing?
I've been whispering to yelling mouths.
I've been holding back running legs.
I've been awakening quieted minds.
I've been soothing some child's savage beast...
whose warm beating heart is encrusted like a stone..
all as a blind woman whose only light is love.
What in the world do I know? I ask myself when nothing works.
What in the world am I doing here? I ask myself when too much is happening at once.

Last Friday, my world was very small and tight and wound like a spring.
I was whisked away with my little bundles of warmth and love and light and openness.
We stood atop red clay and took deep breaths of fresh air and looked at the near-nothing-ness of what surrounded us. Thank God for quiet-looking places like this.
After being unwound by restful sleep and sun that wanted to get into every picture I took, and clay that stuck to our shoes and made us each an inch taller than we really were, and swimming in a warm spring, I realized that I DO KNOW what I'm doing.
I know love and love knows me.

Because I have walked this bridge with loved ones and found that the bridge was itself made of love - that immovable, unfathomable kind that I cannot quite feel the edges of -
I walked into the caring and acceptance and understanding, and QUIET,
I DO belong here now. I have something to give them.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Loving the Unknown

in awe and thanks, with eyes closed and teary, I breathe so deeply
of myself
of who I am...all my foibles and naughtiness even...
I am a full and warm and capable woman who gives every task its due consideration
and then some
I am grateful for the lesson, which seemed to be more of a mirror of what I am capable...
I've been doubting it for seven years. It is so easy to be "away" from one's work for a few years, and then, upon wanting to return, the Doubt and Misgivings and the Cowering shows up at the door. I opened the door to it, had tea with them all (Cowering was rather strangely dressed), then when I was tired of them all, I pushed them out the door and asked them to stay away for quite awhile...apparently they did.

I took the hand of my higher self, as I mentioned last week, and walked into that classroom and I fell absolutely in love with each of these troubled kids. I've given them all my absolute best. I've given them my strength, my understanding, my love and now I must leave them.
I was only supposed to be a long-term sub.
I was only supposed to help out for a couple of weeks.
I wasn't suppose to be invested, or love them.
But I did, and I do.
It will be hard for me to leave on Friday, but I learned so much about myself, and what I'm capable of. I am proud of me. I'm proud of the OAK in me (thanks mama!), and the WILLOW.