Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Standing Outside

I've been having "hmmm" moments lately - moments of standing outside a sphere and feeling a little...what is the word...I think it is melancholy. I saw a beautiful silk and wool shawl and said to myself, "Ahhh! My two friends would love this and they could make these!" Lo and behold, as I looked at the tag, there were their names. I was so glad for them, but because I've been their business partners before, there was that feeling of standing outside and waving. I tried to quickly reel that energy of sadness in because I didn't want to mar the whole beauty of what they were beginning again.
Because I didn't get the message earlier, I went to pick up a friend to spend the day with her to find out that she'd already gotten a ride home and I hadn't gotten the message so I was left to pretend to be happy and excited for her and "no worries" and went and sat and had coffee and fresh baked banana bread by myself. It was again that feeling of standing outside.
What is even more interesting, is that just about a month ago I was kind of reeling from how many friends were vying for my attention...when can I do this, when can I do that...and now, melancholy.
So now that there has been this kind of positive silencing/grounding, I find that I've been silent/grounded a bit too much and now I need to spread my wings a bit more at times.
I'm very happy with my job...I don't have the say-so or the responsibility of a classroom teacher, but I am teaching and that makes me absolutley joyous. I'm lacking the spiritual lately. I even let Winter Solstice pass me by without even a how-do-you-do. Weird. I've celebrated the solstice just about religiously for the past 3 years. Hmmmm...I think I have found myself "standing outside" just a bit too long each day, and yet with no photos to show for it. As you can clearly see...this post is not of the usual variety...no photos, no uplift...just me being quietly stunned by my own lack in certain areas.
I am grateful that the areas in my life that needed attention are getting it (my BRAIN!), but my spirit has been so spoiled it is now throwing a bit of a fit at being so neglected...where are the walks in the wood - alone? where are the photos taken by your keen eye? Where are the books of deep thought? Where are the soul poems? A bit replaced by social studies curriculum and reading circles and copies of the latest agendas and meetings to attend in early mornings and parents to call and schedules to change...not gone, but my spirit is definitely standing outside knocking hard on my windows, calling loud for BALANCE.

2 comments:

Sea Angels said...

Hi Katie...yes it is strange you missing Solstice, but is it sometimes that the mundane world takes over and we are left floundering without our spirituality...feeling not quite a whole person as if something is missing...as if we are on the 'outside'....I find periods like this very hard, and can never fully understand why they happen, but they always happen when I am tired and don't realise it....so maybe these holidays are just what you need...and don't forget! it is only small but the light is coming back.
Happy Solstice lovely Katie
With love and hugs BB
Lynn xxxx

sarah said...

I'm sitting here trying to gather the words I need to reply to this beautiful post. You are where I am. Everything you wrote, I could have. And because you wrote it, I see what is really going on for me, and so I thank you thank you for sharing. Outside and waving, you touched my heart.