Tuesday, May 25, 2010


created by Katie Estvold on Polyvore.com

twisted and turning
over hair and treading
flowing, weightless
with it all
viscerally touching
grabbing at heart and veins
inside and pulling it out

never a mirror
painted on

staring you in the eye

never a mirror
a quarter truth
staring back at you

handing it over
while hanging on
look at it
and truly hear it

Monday, May 24, 2010


created by Katie Estvold on Polyvore.com

sending out
for strength in the living
of the within
that says yes
of the without
that says yes
of that smoky in-between
that says yes

taking in
for sensitivity in the going away
of the within
that hopes
of the without
that hopes
of that smoky in-between
that says
I hope

Monday, May 17, 2010

ever on

created on Polyvore by Katie Estvold

And a youth said,
- Speak to us of Friendship!
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love
and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger,
and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear
not the "nay" in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases
not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts,
all desires, all expectations are born and shared,
with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most
in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber
is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship
save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure
of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth:
and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend
that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need,
but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
~Kahlil Gibran~
Thank you Mom, for being this kind of friend to me...I love you!!!
~love, Bird~

Thursday, May 13, 2010

scratching and clawing

I feel like a hungry baby kitty who is always yowling for more
and scratches and claws its way to get what it wants...
I don't think I've ever had to work so hard for my dreams before.
I've worked hard, yes, but this time something is different.
It seems like there is some kind of cosmic test, sometimes...or that I keep hearing the punchline to a stupid joke and the punchline isn't funny: "How much do you want it, then?"

Geeez Louise, I want it bad already...can't you tell?!
I've let it get the better of me recently, and all I can do is to pick myself back up and say, "Okay...okay. Keep going. Keep going."

I'm taking a deep breath, and as my daddy would say, "Katie...relax."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Settling My Dust

A little while back, my sweetie and I were able to take a 3-day weekend together. We took our 3rd baby...yes, the trailer...and we trundled on out to Oregon's Outback (seriously). We went to a place called "Summer Lake"...I put that in quotes because, "Where was the lake? All I see is a white, cracked lakebed." Seriously...where was the lake?

Anyway, it was one of the strangest vibes I've ever encountered. And I encounter vibes, let me tell you. I was picking up on the"peace dude" vibe, if you know what I mean...it was the most hippy place I've ever been in. The most "off the grid" place, too. I found myself sinking right into it. Literally...I went for an early morning walk one day and found myself encountering...um...nothing.
There were no sounds as I got out there. I couldn't even hear a bird. I laid down at one point in an open space of scrub and listened to the nothing.
My mind is constantly abuzz. With my thoughts, with my neighbor's thoughts, with the thoughts of those who are thinking about me hard enough. It isn't all it's cracked up to be, let me tell you.

So coming here to this place was a lot like letting the dust settle.
A quietening that I could see myself needing at least once a year...the hot springs inside this old barn didn't hurt either for settling the dust, too.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

within my skin

sitting within
without a skin
waiting and redoing
every line I spoke
to her
picking up
every line she spoke
to me
putting them all
into my skinless self
willing my heart to
without her
is without
twilight zones
or boxed macaroni
but I go on
and I hug myself
without my skin
without her skin
but I have her words
I have the words she spoke
only to me

Monday, May 03, 2010

Just Feeeeeeling a Prayer

Should you really open your eyes and see, you would behold your image in all images. And should you open your ears and listen, you would hear your own voice in all voices. - Kahlil Gibran


One of my favorite movies are the Anne of Green Gable series...looooove them. I have so many favorite lines, but one that has always stuck with me is when Anne is being "taught" to pray and she is supposed to kneel and bow her head, she says, "That's the part I never really understood. Why must one kneel and close their eyes? If I really wanted to pray, I'd climb to the top of a mountain and just feeeeel a prayer."

That's just what I say, Anne.

I don't think it matters how you do it. I just don't think it matters. I think what matters is that we get ourselves into that spot where we know we've entered into some sort of communion with that Great Spirit and we can just feeeeel a prayer.

My "everyday" prayers are like choosing to be in the same room as the rest of your family, where one of you is reading a book, another is sewing, someone else is doing their homework, and another is playing paper dolls...everyone is just together in their purpose.

When I want to be in earnest, I think it feels more like it must be to work a two-person saw. Knowing who is pulling and who is pushing and hoping hoping hoping it is all going to turn out alright, yet knowing it'll turn out just the way it is supposed to because the soul you're working with is the best there is at two-person saw work...following me on this?

So, I love those beautiful tall 7-day Novena candles that you find with the Hispanic Food at the grocery store. I buy them by the 2's and 3's. I decided a few years back that they fit my prayer purposes to a "T." Right now, I have one with a Russian illuminated version of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus with a bright yellow background that is my big prayer right now: getting that home with the goats and the laundry snapping in the breeze and the sunshine invading all corners of my home and a sunset and green rolling pastures...did I mention a sunset and goats?

So, when I started that candle, it only took it about 2 minutes to gutter out...a bad wick maybe? Of course, I took it as a sign that this prayer wasn't going to happen. I started to let that thought in, when I said, "NOPE. I'm the other end of this two-person saw. I'm fixing this candle." So, I poured out the extra wax, cut out some of it, and relit it.

It went out two more times before it started burning right.

Just goes to show you...sometimes cheap candles produce guttering and sputtering, but with a little pouring out and cutting up you can get things going again. I think it also goes to show you that you must be willing to suspend your disbelief and realize that the Spirit on the other end of your prayers isn't actually waiting for your prayers before they fulfill your desires. I believe that our desires are already fulfilled, if only we'll open our eyes to see it. If only we BELIEVE that we are capable, that we are able, that we are deserving, that no matter what it takes we'll go for it, our dreams are there.


then open your eyes and take them.