Friday, January 28, 2011

My shadow

Don't pretend that you do not have a shadow side. Do not pretend that you don't secretly laugh when you should not. Do not pretend that you have not drawn your shades and decided to feel sorry for yourself.
I use to try to destroy her. I thought I should not have her. But I learned that to have balance in my life, I must not leave her alone to build her houses of nettles. I must not let her feel torn and tottery.
I let her talk to me sometimes with my full gaze, rather than hearing her out of the corners of my eyes. She needs to talk so she can see the situation clearly for herself. Before she spins out of control, I have to grab her by the shoulders and say, "Talk to me."
When she does, she scares me. She doesn't see brightness and light, and I'm afraid she is so worried about every small thing, she forgets the bigger picture. I have to let her cry into a pillow. I have to let her brood for a bit, and when she is done I grab her shoulders tighter and say, "Listen. Stop. You are fine. Everything is fine. Trust. Trust and Calm, dear one."
You see, I am no longer ruled by her.
I remember that when I took that mysterious step behind the veil, I learned to quit trying to tear myself in half. I needed to take the tattered, scattered bits that I had tried so desperately to get rid of, and to love them back into myself instead. They are all me, I don't have multiple personalities (if anyone was wondering).

I came face to face with my shadow self, and learned who I really was as a complete human being. I love her like a child. I know her, and I hold her with me at every step. I do not let her take over for long, as she is a light extinguisher, a darkness lover, and sad company. I remember that no matter what happens, she is not in control of us. I am the Mother.
She is learning to keep quiet and take deep breaths.
I turn again tonight, holding her hand, both of us with heads held high...remembering what we are worried about, but determined to follow our path wherever it may lead us.

There is a real possibility that our 1901 house is not going to be for sale again. That truth hurts both of us. But it does serve to remind me of this: the dream was not that home in particular, but it was A HOME in which my children could be farm kids, and we could live a much simpler life, with hard and dirty work. That can be had in other places, and that is what it comes down to. This knowledge placates her for tonight. Trust, trust, trust the process.

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p.s. I do not seek advice in this journal, honestly. I use my journal as a place to explore my feelings, my beliefs, my world, my dreams. It gives me great satisfaction to share with anyone who will read, because as a Virgo I tend to need smoothing of ruffled feathers quite often, but as a Virgo, I will always do whatever I damn well please. Juxtaposition and fickleness...what can I say, it is in the stars.

3 comments:

Jesska said...

I admire you, your words and well everything. Always have and always will...Perfectly imperfect and perfect all together, a beautiful soul you are indeed...

Jacqueline said...

You may not seek advice Katiebird, but you certainly give it.
Just what I needed to hear today. That dark girl inside me has had total control just lately and all I've done is ignore her.
Time to bring her into the light, listen to her fears and tell her it's all going to be okay.
I can feel my heart start to ease at the very idea of this.

sarah said...

This is so beautiful, the honesty and the love and the way you have written it. It's also how it is for me too, I'm sure for all of us. I love your reminder to be compassionate to that dark tattered self. I'm really sorry about the house situation. I hope it works out for the right solution soon. I have faith that it will.