Thursday, February 17, 2011

fragile

i created this huge canvas a couple of years ago
she is "Sharing Sacred"
it was something completely else a few times,
it had been ripped off the canvas at least 3 times
until i really saw it and loved that it was authentically messed up
not contrived

Then I created HER...
the me that is fragile
the me that wants to share herself but doubts the sincerity
or cushion
of others

today i am here again and i want to hide behind
a picasa blur effect
or be under exposed

or almost totally cropped out

there is the feeling today of distance from friends who are not even far away

and then there is the distance from my friend who definitely IS far away and i miss her terribly
i miss her laugh and her hug and that look she gets when i show up at her door that says without words
you are inexpressibly welcome you sweet thing
and i miss the decaf with heavy whipped cream poured in, in the mornings
and her smelly dog
and facing each other on her couch
and talking with each other about goddess light in every cell of our beings
and the red wine in the nights

i miss my soul sister who lives in the great white north
whom i think of at least twice a day
once usually by laughing my butt off
and once usually by feeling deep sincere longing
how i'd love to be drinking some cheap wine in front of the fireplace
and laughing until we've cried and then
crying until we've made each other laugh
how i miss you sweet one

i'm missing my grandma
who called me bird
who gave me the same look when she saw me as my friend Alma does
who wrapped me up in her great soft bosom and didn't let me go until
i'd needed to breath
she held my little hands in hers and rubbed my knuckles with her fingertips
while she'd search my face with teary eyes saying
oh you've grown so much bird
look how tall
look how beautiful
ooooooh and another grab up into the softness
i long for her in that same place in my heart
as i long for my soul sister
that sweet-hurt place that feels full and empty at the same time


i feel everything so deeply
there is no way i cannot
i just don't have it in me to elude it
to turn it off
to let myself miss it


i am finding myself afraid of the not-yet and the may-never-be
so today was comfortably pessimistic

which tells me my shadow girl
stepped out into the snow today
that's alright
what she feels isn't wrong
it is just so saturated, she makes me take two breaths for her every one

today i don't like the idea of letting her rant
and then picking her up by her scruff and
daintily placing her in my apron pocket
she needs to learn something
she needs to learn to
t r u s t through the fragility



~~i feel all of this in my blue chakra today, which tells me i have something to say and i'm not able to express it...i'll keep working at it...~~




4 comments:

Lena said...

I hope you do keep working at it Katie, because reading you some days, gives me a kindred place to be. I think that those of us who feel things deeply below what is visible will always feel a bit blue at times. How can we not, really, when the world is as it is. But, there is so much joy in life too. I truly am holding the best of thoughts that you and your family will have this dream come true for you.

I love this painting? Is this the one that was in the tv video? I remember one painting on your wall in that. I loved it so much.

Take care.

Jacqueline said...

your tender poem inspires me, most specifically because of this:

t r u s t through the fragility

to think that God never asked us to obey, just trust.

Alma Art said...

Wait, who has the big bosom? :)

I"m holding you my friend.

katiebird said...

Alma...I love you.