Sunday, February 06, 2011

This is the way I am...






I'm always giving things a good go, and then coming back to who I really am. I like that about myself. I like that I'm willing to try things, and honestly give it a good try. I actually liked facebook and depended on it, but that is when I know I should head out...when I start to depend on something until I forget who I really am. It isn't healthy for me to be always comparing and looking at who gets "likes" and who doesn't comment. In the end, we all do whatever we can to make sure our families know we love them, and I'm just more comfortable doing it at my own pace.I remember my first "stepping down", and that was in high school. I'd been on the JV tennis team, and really did not do well. I had always wanted to try a sport, though, and I loved to play tennis. In fact, I'm sure I still would if there were tennis courts in rural Oregon just laying around...haha. But I was NOT liking the competition of who looked cutest in her tennis skirt, and who was in what place...I thought it was a team effort...nope. I didn't excel, and in fact, I was a terrible tennis player. The next year, when I was the ONLY player not making it to Varsity, I kindly told my coach I wouldn't be trying out that next year. I just didn't like the competition. It wasn't for me. That instance actually gave me the courage to always be trying something whole heartedly before I made an opinion on it. I've even tried to like ready-made kitchen decor (You know, buy the plates with roosters on them and find a matching towel, matching rug, matching cups, matching silverware, matchy-matchy match...) but though it is easy, that doesn't work for me.Anyway, back to facebook...I permanently deleted the account, and I feel like some kind of huge responsibility just left my shoulders...amazing. Weirdly amazing.

Now, to talk about something else:

I won't be missing any little bits of this house, at all. There are no quiet corners I'll be thinking about for years to come. There is not one special tree that I came to know. There wasn't a bush or a rock that will be missed. In general, I'll be wistful about leaving the home I tried so desperately to make my own. I'll miss the idea of the place we brought our two new born babies too, but it could have been one of a dozen homes, honestly. I am ready to LOVE a home. I am ready to know it like a friend.

I will not miss this black pipe coming up through the ceiling (why oh why did the original builders do this?) I won't even miss the paint treatment my mom and I gave to the mantle when I was having an especially off moment and needed desperately to make something MINE. Mom is always there when I need that. Though I took good pictures of it, because I loved the way it came out...

I will not miss trying to see the sunrise and the sky through the 360 degree trees I have here. I will not miss the neighbors stupid, stupid dog who will not shut up. I will not miss the other neighbor who shows up outside everytime I try to run to the car on a Sunday morning to get something in my thin jammies and no bra. I will not miss the garden that always promised, but never delivered. I will not miss the green house that never was. I will not miss the fence I almost lost both of my arms making that is now falling down (I, in fact, told my husband after we made it, "the minute that fence falls down is the minute we move out." Well, there you are.)

As I was enjoying the 40 degree morning (yippee! spring is coming!!!), and taking pictures of things I really couldn't wait to be done with, I caught myself in the reflection coming in and was pleasantly surprised...even in my flimsy jammies over yoga pants and big fat favorite sweatshirt, I liked the look of my reflection...I've lost 17 pounds just by eating better. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. That is the most I've ever lost. I've got quite a bit more to go, but I'm feeling good that this is a lifestyle change for me, and not a quick fix.
Anyway, back to stoking my fire, I must have a wet log in there that just won't light...I must away!
I am looking forward to this move, like you wouldn't believe!!!! I bet you couldn't tell I was excited at all. The MOST exciting part...my life partner (my husband laughs when I call him this, but he IS my life partner) is just as excited as I am! I'd even call him...giddy...

7 comments:

sarah said...

I am so glad you are getting to move to a real home that you can love and make your own.

I don't feel the same way about FB but I go there for different reasons. I feel the same way about blogging though. It's difficult. Good on you for doing the right thing for you!

Congratulations on your weight loss :-) Not knowing what you look like, I can only say you are very beautiful to me, and always have been.

Kerri said...

Wow! I love the idea of moving to a farm! Can't wait to see what it looks like! I'm rather jealous you are no longer on facebook. I hate it and joined under great protest in order to see pictures of my friends in Australia and their new babies etc. It's so not for me! Good for you finding a way to eat that suits you. Looks like everything is falling into place :)
P.S Thanks so much for your very sweet comment on my blog x

katiebird said...

@Sarah...that was incredibly kind and so generous of you to say, because the thing is, I know you mean it :)

@Kerri...I truly meant what I said!

Barefoot from Heaven said...

Okay I'm officially ashamed now....holy smackerony...did I miss something here. The move is real....man congratulations my friend.

And what about this blog??? I love it, love the new outcome, the change the wonderful addited pictures, the colors...just a new fresh wind. But what is there to do for me, change the old one into this one on mine?? do let me know I wouldn't wanna miss you (even when it's rare I stop by these days, sorry about that again).

Oh and about my latest post. This is the stairs you see in the previous picture/post it's in my hometown and it's just beside the museum so I'll guess some arcitecure did this.... I love it to. We have many of these things in Holland so one starts to think about things....they as you say provoke you wich I love.

Okay now, have a happy time and I'll be hearing from you what to do about blogs...right.
Soft hugs my friend Dagmar

Barefoot from Heaven said...

Oh I forgot to ask how on earth did you get tree pics in the header like that.....spill the magic please.
D.

mel said...

i deleted my FB account over a year ago and have never regretted it....

congratulations on your impending move --- i've always wanted to be a farm-girl -- a real one that is, working on someone else's farm (which i've done a lot) isn't quite the same...;)

Jesska said...

I am so proud and extremely happy for you...the weight loss..the new farm...the everything..and most importantly I'm so glad you are you..even in yoga pants and flimsy jammies...You ROCK! Love you soul-sister..(((HUGS)))