Thursday, June 02, 2011

lying to myself

I'm grateful for a place to write just what I need to, as I do on and off. Most of the time I write about how wonderful life is, how much I love my chickens and my kids and my cats and my husband and the countryside, but tonight I want to talk about lying to myself and the aftermath of that.
There is this really stupid side of me that thinks to herself, "you can't possibly be unhappy after you've moved to this beautiful place that you worked so hard to get." The reality of that is so friggin' stupid. Whoever said that having your dreams come true means eternal happiness? Oh yeah, those fairytales that even I love to recite wherein they live happily ever after. I just found out that isn't so.

I LOVE my home. I LOVE all the broken things and hard work and time we've put into it. That doesn't mean I'm always smiling. In fact, often I'm sweating and cutting my thin skin and bruising my shins and dropping heavy things on my toes and bonking my head on cupboards and fighting little ants and things like that.

But what I've lied to myself recently about was that I didn't need anything else now. NOW that I'm in my forever home that I worked so hard and so long to get, I don't need one other thing. That's a load of ...

I was going to family functions and speaking to other teachers like this, "Oh you know, if I do, I do. If I don't, I don't. Maybe it's a friggin' sign of maturity that I just am okay either way." uhhhhhh....yah.

Just today, while I'm perusing the clearance aisles at Wal-mart, I get a cellphone call. "Cowboy Casanova" starts belting out from my purse just way too loud, so I struggle to get it out and answer...I did not get the job. I did NOT get the job. I honestly thought it was one of those jokes where someone is sounding sad like this, "I...just wanted to let you go ahead and know...we feel really badly, but we want to say the job!" No. It did not go this way. It was sad and then more sad and then, no punchlines. My brain was telling me to just be all interested in that $7 tabletop grill that was marked down 5 times instead of letting my brain register what just happened. I made to the car with the kids and then I just couldn't keep it together. I was bawling and trying to keep it in, which caused lots of lip trembling and shoulder shaking and it just hit me right in the yellow chakra: you did NOT get that job. That job with those little kindergarteners? You don't get it. That job with those really wonderful teachers? You don't get that one. that job with the really low, old-fashioned chalkboards and the little wooden tables? Nuh-uh, not yours. I thought I might vomit.

That was the extent to which I had lied to myself. As soon as I did not get it, I felt it. I am feeling it right now. It is like butterflies in your kidneys. I feel like one of those wooden toys that are standing upright with taut strings, but when you push the button on the underside, they go floppy and lay down. Someone pushed my button. I found myself standing in the chicken coop saying, "You are so stupid. Why would you even apply to a job like that? You KNOW those teachers. They are so professional and go by the rules and you just do NOT have enough experience. What was that you said at the end: 'I know I may not have as much experience as someone else, but I am such a quick learner and I have so much enthusiasm and energy, I'd be learning all summer whatever it was you needed me to learn so I could make you proud.' How altruistic of pathetic. Nobody cares about your enthusiasm and energy." Then I hugged myself because I'd hurt my feelings. What a mess.

Oh what a mess. I haven't had my feelings crushed this badly in a long, long while. I'd forgotten what it felt like. This isn't like when we almost lost the house. I felt that in my throat, like my words were being stifled. It hurt in the back of my throat, which is where I feel that kind of fear like you might loose something you really care about, and you can't take a deep breath or swallow very well. This is completely a self-confidence issue...which does not surprise me at all.

 My barn school is looking better and better today...

1 comment:

sarah said...

I am so sorry you didn't get the job. (((Hugs))) Mainly I'm sorry for the disappointment and pain you are feeling right now.

I'll make a bet with you. This will turn out to be a good thing. Even forgetting how as a sub you'll get to be a special angel for children, a fresh ray of sunshine ... Keep thinking about that barn school :-) Or all the other beautiful wings that may lift your life and soul. The universe loves you.