Wednesday, August 10, 2011

something happened

I'd just ordered a wonderful book about Gratitude that included 365 blessings and two books for Emma's math, when the phone rang. Someone had retired at the Elementary School and they were moving their first hire into that position and would really REALLY love it if I would take the Kindergarten position now. I actually didn't say a thing for a few seconds..."hello? you still there." I was, but I wasn't. I was making a quick death march in my head for the homeschool plans I'd just made. I knew, in those seconds, what my decision was going to be.
I knew right away what I was going to do, but in the foreground, I was burying the thing I'd breathed life into first.
I asked to be able to call back later when I'd thought about it.
I made pros and cons lists...I was surprised, and NOT surprised, about how long my list of pros where to TAKE the job.
I cried for the work I'd done.
I cried because when I do something, it is not half-way. If I am going to homeschool using the Waldorf method, you can bet I'll do it, 110%.
I realized a few years ago that this is not wishy-washy-ness, or a fickle spirit.
This is what happens when you allow your mind to take on something, for however long the duration, and you give it your all. When it is time to do something else, the first thing can reverently be laid aside.

Recently, I'd called a respected and inspired Waldorf school in my area and talked for 2 full hours (that is really something in itself, because my friends and family will tell you I don't enjoy talking on the phone) with the head teacher there. We had talked for some length, and I came away from that conversation with the conviction that I could and should probably stick with what I know, and infuse what I'd learned into it...a recurring theme in my life.

Here is my opportunity, readers...a new challenge to take on, 110%.

And how did my children handle it? The youngest, with a six-year-old's sense of adventure and sweetness, my 9-year-old with a sense of loss. It pained me to see him so upset. So, I treated him like a grown-up and showed him my pros and cons list, knowing that "the facts" ease his tension (he'll be a great scientist one day), but he stayed my shadow all night, and is now in my bed, where we'll cuddle all night. Lovingly, his grandpa called him (without my prompting, mind you) to tell him not to worry because he'd still teach him small engines this year. Grandma assured him that she'd still teach him things on non-school days, and I promised to continue read-alouds and our own field trips.
When all of these were assuaged, he confessed to me, "I was really looking forward just to being home and playing here during the day." I told him, me, too, and we hugged each other, but knowing that this was the right decision...

I'd like to talk to him about giving any decision he makes 110%, and what that means (i.e. a bit of heartache at making a new decision), but that anything really worth doing, is worth doing well.

Ahhhh, how life can change in an instant.


Sea Angels said...

You can only go where your heart takes you and where you find peace...this is what you need for you to blossom..your lovely children will always be with you, and trust in what you do, and now you will be sharing that with so many can that be wrong..Katie you live such an honest life, you try so hard for all your family...I think they will all benifit from this, how wonderfull.
I am so pleased for you.
Hugs Lynn xxxx

mindy said...

oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is so huge. i cannot believe how deeply i can relate to you and your path. i had dedicated myself to homeschooling this year after deciding that the public school was killing my spirit and hurting my children. many miraculous shifts have occured for me this summer, and twists and turns have opened the possibility for my children to return to the waldorf school in our area. i leaped and decided to send them. my daughter, almost 5, does not yet have an attachment to the philosophy of education or where she learns! but my oldest son is 7 and one half. he had his heart set on a homeschooling experience. he too wanted to stay home and have freedom to play, freedom to be in the nest. now he does not want to go to school, and i am dealing with the confusion that life has granted us. i feel certain i am making the best decision for the expansion of our family's mind. but oh it is so difficult to bear the weight of these decisions . i do not go anywhere with half a heart! i understand your passion. thank you for writing about your experience. may we all have a blessed year. love to you and your beautiful, sweet children.

sarah elwell said...

I am so glad your dream has come true. I think many of us have been in a similar position - I remember signing my dd up for school and then backing out the night before, after having spent all weekend crying. She was good to me, but I often wonder how disappointed she might have been beneath that. I love your honesty and courage and I wish your family all the very best of good things.