Tuesday, May 31, 2011

6

My daughter is 6 tomorrow. I know how she'll gasp and run in place when she sees all this on the breakfast table tomorrow...*smile*...

there is much to say over the birth of my daughter

but I remember my first feeling for her new life finally cradled in my arms was like hatching out a hundred butterflies and letting them tickle over your skin
and letting them land in your hair
Imagine the giggling and the stillness which that would - must - inspire...yes, she was like that.

Monday, May 30, 2011

should be asleep


but it started raining and I had taken a 4-hour nap today, so I'm wide awake...
I just thought that the outside light shining on all that drippy rain was a little haunting, so had to share it with you. This time, I didn't "picnik" up the picture with a 60's warming, or a Cross-process...I just left it.

d - o - n - e


That is how I'm feeling tonight. I don't feel like going into work tomorrow. Ever have that feeling? I've been looking at this new blog and I ESPECIALLY don't want to go in to work now...I want to crochet ruffled capelets and butterfly mitts instead.

I've been working so hard at my job and at home, I think my body went into a kind of shut-down mode for a few days. It hasn't completely awakened yet, but I'm heading back in tomorrow to see what it will accomplish for me.

Today my dear neighbors, whom I'm growing to appreciate more every single day, came over with their horse Tango all saddled up for a little ride with Emma. She was in such a tizzy over it, she looked serious. When my daughter gets over-excited, her smile goes away and she looks like she means business. I love that about her.

All three of the younger kitties are inside the house tonight...they've decided that they like to be house kitties best of all. I love a warm kitty to cuddle with at night, too...but alas, they MUST be outside kitties, so before bed they must away.

Enough of this procrastinating, I should probably plan my week BEFORE I enter the classroom tomorrow...or, I could see what treasures my classroom holds tomorrow morning...








the dust is settling

buddha is at home here in the grasses and lilacs

now that the hard and frantic work is over,
we've been able to rest a bit everyday...okay, not a BIT, but I've been sleeping in until 9 the past five days and watching a movie every single night, AND have taken a nap 3 out of 5 days...but I've been pretty sick with some sort of cold that knocked me on my butt for a couple of days.


that always happens to me when I finally get to relax after I've been go, go, go.

Some things:

*there was ONE deer who went through my garden and ate my lettuces
*one very cold night recently gave my squash and tomatoes a zap...poor things
*my sunflowers are about an inch high
*I think my Sweet Annie is coming up, but I cannot be sure yet...I don't know what the seedlings look like!
*I've started decorating, and I find that anything that looks like the "other" house is making me feel uneasy...isn't that strange?
*our clothes are now separated and in our own rooms
*the cats left me a mouse's backside yesterday - what message is that?
*we have tiny sugar ants that show up now and again
*the neighbor cats are eating our kitty food
*I have too many chicken eggs...I'm thinking about a "farm fresh eggs" sign out front
*I can see the weather coming in any direction
*I like living with less fo-fa-rah
*I'm getting a membership to Melaluca soon - Sol-u-mel is my favorite cleaner.
*the barn loft is a wonderful place to listen to the rain and the wind in
*I'm excited about getting my old sewing machine fixed
*I'm INTENT upon making a few pinafores for my daughter for the summer - there is nothing better that she loves than skirt-y things over shorts or leggings
*I need some "secret garden" scented incense from the Cosmic Depot
*even on a cloudy, windy, rainy day, the sky is SO bright, I keep trying to send the children out to play until they remind me it is cold and windy and rainy out there...oh.


Our old kitty, Boo-Boo, who is going on 15 years this August, was sitting in the field patiently waiting for a mouse yesterday. I noticed how carefully he crept up to whatever hole he had chosen, and I noticed that he moved his body so that he was down-wind and I was so proud of him for knowing that. He sat for 10 full minutes waiting and waiting. While he waited a fat robin plopped itself very near his tail and picked up something, taking a few tries to get it properly in his beak, and then took off again. Boo-Boo did not notice this.
Another 5 minutes was going by, and you won't guess but a family of quail decided to make their train behind his back. They weren't 2 feet from where he sat waiting for his mousie. The big daddy quail was sitting on the fence on "look-out" while his family went traipsing under it and off into the meadow somewhere for the day. Boo-boo didn't budge.
When he'd been sitting there for a full 20 minutes, at least, he finally pounced and stepped on it and then he looked around to see who might notice this accomplishment. I couldn't let him feel as though his efforts went unappreciated, so I opened the front door and said, "good kitty!" He looked over at me and meowed and rubbed on a fence post and completely forgot about that mousie...I saw his head jerk back and he quickly tried to save his captive, but alas...he stared in the direction of the retreat for a good long while before he seemed to snuff and kick the grass and look at me with a "you NEVER should've come out, mooootherrrr" kind of expression.
Not my smartest kitty, but the dearest.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

truth


What things do I know to be true? Sarah at Knitting the Wind was asking and it made me think that sounded like a nice thing to write about.

In the end, the only truth I can really tell is about what I know about me. I cannot even tell you what the truth is for my son or my daughter. I think I know how they'll act in certain situations, or what they'll like for their birthdays, but they are such wide-open creations I can only guess at the truths that are in their hearts. Maybe one day, when they are grown and have thought about such things, they'd like to share it with me and we can compare our Truth Notes...I'd love that so much.

I know that I feel most at home in the wide-open Earth that is full of large animals that run and buck and eat grasses.
I know that the simple things make many people happy - I do know those who do not really know what makes themselves happy, and that makes me feel sad for them.
I know that anything worth having I've had to RUN towards, most of the time up a hill and down again, over palm-slicing rocks and heart-squeezing ravines and that there were countless times when I could've given up and sadly walked back to a more comfortable path and a moderately happy existence.
I know that it isn't just enough to Love someone to keep them happy or safe or around.
I know that I do not choose how anyone else will react or feel.
I know that the only one I have any real power over is myself.
I know that any one religion in its entirety does not work for me. I do not know what the TRUTH is, but I have the strongest feeling that its feet and hands and heart are made of pure love.
I know that my children are wholly formed human beings whom I've been given to teach about the world, and I do my best teaching when I ask them questions instead of filling them up with what I know.
I know that there is as much excitement and wonder for me when the wind pulls those tiny wish umbrellas from a dandelion as there is for someone else about space exploration or new developments in brain research.
I know that no matter of love and attention and reassurance that was lavished on me ever made me better in the core of me, until I learned to love myself and give myself attention and reassurance.
I know that the essence of my grandmother lives with me still, and if that means ghosts or energy or whatnot, I do not know...but I KNOW she lives with me.

I know that there is not ONE issue I could stand up and organize a rally for with 100 percent of my being, because I'd always be able to see the other side just enough to make that 100 percent impossible. That is not to say that I do not feel strongly about 101 subjects, only that I'm always able to see the other possibility, which would make me want to reason it out with the "other side" and see how they are feeling, and since that is not how governments or politics work, I stay away from it. Too bad that the governments I'm familiar with do not know how to change or seriously consider a new way of thinking...I'd more likely want to charge into Congress with a fragile bird egg and get them all to watch it hatch in front of their eyes and then say, "See...do you SEE?" and in my dreams they all SEE it and change the way they do things. If that makes no sense, I do not blame you.

I know that prayer works. I do not know HOW prayer works, but I have strong thoughts on the subject.

The things I do not know outweigh what I think I know by millions of pounds (which is probably quite heavy if we are weighing thoughts).


Saturday, May 28, 2011

dreams

I have dreamed a dream so near
and so profuse
and so hard
that it grew and got bigger
and bigger
until my arms could not hold it
and it came true





Friday, May 27, 2011

lilacs and secrets

oh the joy of sharing a sweet thing
sharing armloads of long-stemmed lilacs is a blessing
sharing a secret place among the sweetness
all sunshine and grass and scented

is also a blessing

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ends and begins


My life is a list of ends and begins right now. Here is the list:
*new carpet last Monday - i've decided that the only thing better than carpet under your feet is soft grass under your feet
*i've begun a head cold as we've ended the hard parts of remodeling the new house
*the end of the Kindergarten school-year is nigh - our little end-of-the-year celebration is thursday
*i see the end of school and it looks green and warm and grassy
*i've ended the worry over "what will become of me?" I, of course, was made for teaching, but being here in my happy place gives me a kind of peace in whatever situation i'm coming across lately...wonder how long it'll last :)
*i've applied to a new Kindergarten position
*our new chickens are laying left and right, but Big Mama is still the queen hen...she says.
*i rarely have time to write here, as you've noticed, but i always am thinking of things to say
*we are all, finally, sleeping in our own rooms - nothing like a little privacy and quiet to make you feel settled
*the children have begun to set up their little rooms - Emma's bright yellow and my son's a warm green...so like their personalities
*I see the sunrise every single morning and watch the slow movement of the sunset every single night - what a lucky lucky lucky girl I am...on second thinking, I really should say that I am a blessed girl.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

new things

in the mornings
the world seems flat
tilting east for the sunrise

my world awakens in light
wet and green and limey
opening, expending arms
even
clouds glow on deeper days

chippering birdies pop at the ends of blossom'd branches
letting early wind
jounce them
as they sing their odes to morning light


when the world tilts west
the orange ball zests
across the backside of a faraway
tree and barn and farmhouse

standing up from the perfect dirt
brushing hands across the seat of my jeans
head down looking at rows of promise
i finally look up at the tilt

with wonder eyes
staying still for the moments as it changes
until the color is closest to eggplant
then i must turn off the hose
and go back inside

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a friend asked about where I got my seeds,
and they were from Splendid Seeds dot com - truly beautiful seed packets, too.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

sunday sunset

The Sun

Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful

than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone--
and how it slides again

out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance--
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love--
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
empty-handed--
or have you too
turned from this world--

or have you too
gone crazy
for power,
for things?


~Mary Oliver~

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What Saturday Found

A few hours with a seldom seen friend, who lives the nearest...I am ALWAYS reminded how beautiful is her soul, how kindred her humor, and how thoughtful her advice. When I got home, the kids were playing in the warm, light rain and it made me so happy.
My laundry on the line gives me so much satisfaction.
Here is what I played in this afternoon. Remember that neighbor who came over and rototilled up our garden? Here it is...ready to go...I found my special ordered seeds and got to planting. I planted: Artichokes, squash, broom corn, sunflowers for eating, sweet annie, red and blue flax, tomatoes, Honesty, feverfew, Echinacea, and I forget what all...




Now that I am in the house, it just started pouring and pouring, and I got to thinking about how perfect it is here. I plant the garden and it rains hard enough to water it...wow.

I realize I don't have anything profound to say these days. These are the homey days. Everyday I think about how my chickens are doing and what mouse or bird the kitties are eating. I think about if the garden is planted and whether the flower beds are watered. I watch the sky in wonder and completeness. I put my feet in the dirt and feel an everyday spirituality coming over me. Living IN my reverence for divinity. That is something I didn't count on, it calmly surprises me (if that is a possibility, it is how I feel).


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

...and so it goes


Here I am at 11 o'clock at night, when I usually would be just rarin' to go, and truly, since we've moved here, this is waaaaaayyy past my bedtime. I'm so tired at 7pm, I barely hang on until 8:30. We've been pouring our days into school, and our evenings into our kids and our home. It is good work, but it is the most tiring work I think I've probably ever done. I've never had to completely tear out and re-do an entire house before.
Our home is being lovingly taken care of.

We have had to put a special primer on each and every wall (and nook and cranny) in this home, because the previous owners smoked in here for 20 some years, and let me tell you...that was not a pretty thing. But the bones are good, so the paint (in Swiss Coffee and Sandstone Cove) are covering a multitude of mishaps.

I've often wondered about that saying, "well, it's got good bones, so it'll fix up." I really know what it means now. This home has been a real home. It was built in the 40s or 50s, and has been lived in ever since. I've thought about the floors under the carpets. I've thought about the original bathtub. I've thought about my barn. I've thought about the chicken coop. I've been thinking so much about the kitchen, and the front room (IS there a real open-hearth behind all this earthstove bricking?). I've thought about the giant lilacs in the side-yard and the lovingly placed rocks here and there.
I've found out that there was an original farmhouse built sometime in the 20s, and that the flat lava rocks near my front door was the original hearth of the home. Each bit tells me that this place has good bones.

I'm so IN THE MOMENT these days, that I can't seem to capture them in words before they flit away like our little mourning dove...early when the sun is still a watery peach, she is on her front stoop looking over the land for something wonderful to fill her cold little tummy. I've seen her sitting on her nest of eggs one moment (still as a statue, unblinking) and the next with little brown speckled chicks under her wings the next (they are still as statues, too, unblinking), and I got to wondering - what a wonderful big nest, I will have to find out if she uses it year after year and only gives it a nice downy covering each season because it has "nice bones".

I've been wondering about the old man who passed away in our home. When I wandered around the place before it was ours, I felt his presence so strongly that I took a step back from his wood shop when I opened the door, feeling that I'd barged into a room that was occupied by someone un-expecting of company. I felt his presence when I went to the moving sale the weekend that our wonderful old lady was hosting - he wasn't happy with the prices, or the change. The first moment we had the home to ourselves, I wandered here and there in the place saying, "Hello Sir, I'm Katie. We own this home now. You've done a wonderful job, and now it is ours. Your things are not here anymore. I know it might be upsetting, but this is our house and you really can't hang around. Please know that we'll make this place a home, just as you have done. Thank you!" I am sure he left, because I can wander the strangeness of the night through my new home without a backward glance. I am not afraid of the darkness here. The sky is so open and possible and forgiving, there is no need to fear.

There is such a sense of purpose and enjoyed responsibility here that I will try, someday, to put into more eloquence for you. But it really comes down to trotting home with key in hand, ready and excited to open my front door and get the kids to feed the kitties and check the chickens, turn on the sprinklers and set down my things. Check the new roses and creeping thyme and see if the wasps are still building. I take a moment to admire my beautiful kitchen and wonder what to start on next. I love taking a shower in the hard, hot water at the end of the day. I love how voices are strange around corners here, echoing down the long hallway making me joyfully confused about where the children are...some voices are no ones at all and that makes me wonder as well, but not afraid. I am no longer afraid of things I don't understand, or that I can not make sense of right away. Who WOULDN'T want to come back to this piece of land? I'm sure I'll haunt it someday, too...just to visit.

Tonight the sky is dark with clouds full of night time rain. Our farm kitties have found some building or another to curl up in (oh joy and happiness for them) until the sun rises and they run to the back glass door asking to just come in for a moment to "only smell" the sausage. They are all kissed and petted and thrown back out, and in moments one or another of them has a mousie for brekky...good kitties.

My chickens aren't exactly happy yet, they skit and skatter at even a spark of noise, but I think it might be because they are moulting, and that is never pleasant for them. They stick together all the time, and do not go scratching as much as I'd like. There are no eggs yet...sigh...I do not like to break down and buy the thin white store eggs with the annoyingly bland colored yolks.

I love the little surprises I find, like the grape hyacinth hidden under a very thorny flowering bush, a bent and rusted hay fork, the newspaper page from 1971 in the floorboards, the climbing rose on the side of the house and the really thorough way the dishwasher works.

I'm not sure what energy I used to finally sit down and write something, and though I know it seems random, my mind is so full of these mundane earthly things right now that I needed to deposit them somewhere. And now...goodnight.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

immersed in home

I've been cleaning and painting and painting and painting
and a little bit of painting
and this is my kitchen today...when I can find the before picture, you'll be
SHOCKED and AMAZED...hehe.
I'm loving my kitchen so much.

Feeling so thankful for my family who came to my home today & brought their smiling selves.
I'm also thankful that Dutch Bros. had free coffee for moms today...