Tuesday, March 27, 2012

wind

I keep wanting to write here, but the words are all used up.
I do not find the need to share everything here these days...
but this evening, much is on my mind:
baby piglets coming in a couple of weeks
the wet weather postponing our field burning
the wind
the gray of a mourning dove matching the gray of the sky
the deepest indigo behind our rocks
choosing paint colors for the outside of our home turns out to be a bigger question than I imagined
limes, corn tortillas and other good food
the mystery of ghosts
birds at night
wondering if I'm outside my center
am I forgetting who I am?
feeling the work I did yesterday in my arms
building new things out of old things
planning my garden
wondering why it is so hard to make some people happy
feeling slightly guilty about staying in my jammies all day
loving that I was in my jammies all day
making Amish friendship bread
disgusted at those who use their religion as an excuse to judge and condemn others
loving the sound of wind - I've stepped into it five times today just to feel it's aliveness
truly disliking the treadmill my family is on during a work week - we are all four so exhausted by Thursday we can hardly wait to fall into bed at night - I'm dissapointed that more and more often my first feeling upon waking is, "oh man...not again."
realizing that I cannot simply just stop working because, "I don't feeeeeeel like it."
Not accepting that I cannot just stop working because "I don't feeeeeeel like it."
feeling that I would be justified quitting my job just because "I don't feeeeel like it."
coming back to the conclusion that people do not stop working because they "don't feeeeeeel like it."
missing making bread, carving my own clothes pins, painting,
meditating, going on spiritual walks, taking the time to think through a problem start to finish
perhaps there isn't such a thing as "fate", perhaps we just keep making decisions based on who we are at the time, and it all always seems like it was "meant to be" because it seemed to shape us later. Perhaps that is just a coping mechanism because we don't know why our lives seem to be so out of control sometimes.
Perhaps they are not out of control...perhaps what is meant to be will happen, whether we like it or not.
Perhaps everything is some sort of test: "Now what will you choose?"
Maybe that isn't a test, maybe that is just the nature of life: "here you are at a junction. Which way will you choose?"

Then I see my husband, and my children, and my home and I think, "Wow..."
except that still doesn't answer my question - was it meant to be, or because i had a vision and kept making decisions based on that vision of how life should be?

the wind affects me like this,
clearing out the walkways and pushing unseen things in the corners by my back door so that I must see them and spend a thought or two on them before continuing on my busy way, "Look at that odd piece of paper there, whipped up by the wind. That isn't my handwriting... a bit of a shopping list - pepper, cream, fresh mushrooms - who wrote it, what were they making? ahh well..."

now wasn't that a fine kettle of fish? I don't share for weeks and weeks, and then when I do, you get some rambling.  

1 comment:

Sea Angels said...

No not rambling... never that ! and your words and life are always both authentic and beautiful...my blog too lays as I left it months ago..untouched..my story too is like yours full of questions and too many answers..I could so share a cake and coffee with you lovely Katie..but for now on that wind you have my fondest wishes.
BB Lynn xx