Monday, September 17, 2012

Oh my goodness - there is so much to tell you. I almost didn't tell you, but I owe it to myself to write the truth here.
I had a temporary job. I had to reapply this year and did not get the job. I was absolutely sure I would've gotten it. I did not. If that wasn't devastating enough - in that way that makes you question every good thing you did in that job - not one person from that job called me, or emailed, or have tried to contact me to ask how I've been doing, or how sorry they are, or...I don't know, ANYTHING!
 Second devastation - deep dark sadness.
 Like gnashing of teeth and sack cloth and ashes. I wish I were kidding.

I cried every single day for a month. Most days I could not get out of my bed, or out of my jammies. I did not want to go anywhere, or talk about it to anyone. I had a couple of panic attacks. I hurt my hand punching our cinder block wall. I screamed into my pillow. I mean REALLY REALLY devastated. There is so much you don't know about the other job, and why I would've felt that way. I tried way to hard for people who didn't appreciate, for the most part. I agreed by my silence most of the time. I believe in the education of the whole child. I want to play music in my classroom while we work. I want to be late for library sometimes. I want to keep my kids out 10 more minutes at recess if I  want to. I kissed butt more times than I'd like to admit. I loved the wrong thing. I thought I loved the job, but I just love being with kids.
I am not a Christian, but I say "blessed" and "I'll pray for you". Sadly, that put me into a weird little box that I didn't belong in. 
It is possible you don't understand a word I am saying, or how it all fits in, but you know how hindsight is 20/20? Okay...

Since I knew I didn't have a job there, I had to move my kids to the school in our town, instead. That was one of my husband and I's better decisions. This school looks at our children as whole people. They need consideration, and time and softness. They get that here. 
And can you guess what? I have myself a new job at a place that is just wonderful. I have the chance to be exactly who I am here. To teach according to my beliefs (have you read this? It is also by me). 
I'm having to let go of people I thought were friends. That is hard. I'm still confused about all of that, but I'm doing so much better now. 
The direction of our lives was changed forever, and it seems, for the better.
I play music. I am late to library. I keep kids out longer for recess some days. I have two art periods. i teach real science. I do not live by the fractions on a clock.
I am in a good place for now.

4 comments:

Queen Of The Armchair aka Dzintra Stitcheries said...

Oh Katie I think I know how you feel...I did a jtemporary ob for 4 years...it came up and I applied...I did not even get an interview...I rang the school to talk about it with the headmistress....they said she would get back to me....and she never did!!!! I was soooo upset! I thought I was doing a good job in the kitchen with the teachers there...assisting them with meal preparation etc! All the best to you...looks like you have found an ideal spot for you...Like they say...when one window shuts another opens!

sarah said...

I am so happy for you! I believe you were being guided and held the whole way through. Sometimes you have to travel the gully to really understand the heights. I can't tell you the joy I feel that everything has worked out for you now!!!

Empty Daze said...

Congratulations!! Having been through similar situations I can empathise. Now, whenever the "worst possible outcome" happens in my life I just know that something better is around the corner - it eases the pain somewhat - and is ALWAYS true!!

Madcap said...

I've gone through this several times and it's devastating every time - especially that "dead air" when you thought there were people who had good will toward you. I'm so glad to hear that you found something that truly matches!