Monday, May 02, 2016

my two monsters

I'm 40 this year, and still waiting to understand these two things:

Number one: Is it wrong to feel everything so deeply?

And, number two: Is it wrong to ask, "Is it wrong to feel everything so deeply?"?

See this lilac bush?

It is me.

I struggle with depression and anxiety every day of my life. I am learning to enfold it and carry it with me. The medicine I was taking dulled too many of my other senses to be of use for me for the rest of my life.

But having too large and monstrous of feelings, isn't acceptable, so, I pretend to be solid and moving from age to age like a wise woman, but my heart is this unruly lilac, fresh and twisted, poly-directional.
My heart has radial symmetry, reflecting this circular scene round and round, like the Rose Window of Notre Dame .
 Blossoms rich and drooping with a scent too insistent. They seem precocious and cause me to raise my eyebrows at them saying, "Is that so...well...oh my..." and things like that. Their spontaneity and mismanagement of space make me feel embarrassed, like I've gone too far or tried too hard and now everyone is coughing and turning away.

Depression and anxiety are tangible monsters that I have to rule every day of my life, and so I write to let them out to play. If you do not have your own monsters, you do NOT understand this.

I need to give them voice. They need to be seen and understood. They pester and peck until you must look at them and say, "Okay!!!" It isn't kind to say, "Stop that now. How stupid to be upset about that." They do not live in this world. My two monsters cry and worry about what, and at a time when, they want, so I let them. Mostly when I write, and mostly when I write here.

This is the only acceptable place they can come in public to be heard and understood. Poor, gentle monsters with hearts made of lilac petals, persistent and sincere.

Do you have monsters? How do you live with them?


sarah said...

You write so beautifully of something that is not beautiful at all, that is cruel and mucky and genuinely crippling. But what else can you do in the end but try to make some beauty from it? I wish you strength and courage in your long fight against the monsters.

Christine Crocker said...

I love you my beautiful girl.
You are beautiful inside and out.

Anne Linn said...

Hi. I just found your blog. I struggle with anxiety and depression too. They wake up with me every morning. I loved your post, thank you.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, Anne. I never know when they will come, but I can get days strung together when I don't feel their heavy breath. I'm thankful to be having one of those days today. Here's to hoping you wake up "all-by-yourself" tomorrow. Thank you for your comment :)